There are a few phrases that as someone with an anxiety disorder I just very much dislike hearing. One of course is; Just don’t worry about it. Yep thanks for that. I will get right on that. Another is; Just don’t think about it. Again thanks. I would love to be able to stop thinking about it but it doesn’t really work that way. And lastly, as with the last two phrases, basically anything that starts with; Can’t you just….. No I can’t just.
"Just” suggests to me that I can do something without thinking about it, or without planning it out. “Just” suggests that I have control over something that I wish I had control over but sometimes, as much as I want to, I don’t. Also does it not sound super dismissive to tell someone to just go do something? “I don’t have time to listen or care about what you are saying right now. So can you just go away?”
I will admit it. I am being a huge hypocrite right now about it. At least once a day I will say to the kid “Can’t you just go find something to do?” “Can’t you just not sit on me for 2 seconds?” So I know why people say it. You are frustrated, exasperated, out of words to say. You don’t want to solve their problems or think of a solution for them. You want them to just figure it out for themselves. So ya, it's dismissive but I don’t know any parent out there who has never just simply said “Can you just… not?” I don’t like it, but I get it.
But, I suppose, I don’t mean it in that sense. I mean it more in the sense of when what they are saying is not something that you can not just stop or even better when you can't just do. Let me explain this better. What spurred this post was a few conversations I have had recently with people about something I really wish I could do.
Here is the background: One conversation in particular was me saying, as I have said many times before, that I wish I could write a book. I have wanted to write a book about autism and anxiety and being an autism sibling for a very long time. I have looked in many stores for a book like this and I have never seen one. I have seen many from the perspective of parents, of “experts” and even from individuals with autism themselves which are all amazing and very important but none from a sibling perspective. I think; but what about us? What about us people who grew up with someone with autism in their family? Who is telling us we are not alone and that our experiences are valid? What is the sibling’s story? So anyways,after I was laid off from a job I really liked because of this whole pandemic situation I started thinking about the whole writing a book thing again. What better time to write a best seller then when everyone is sitting around at home looking for something to read? (said basically everyone as I imagine). I mentioned this to a few people and the answers were basically all the same “Well then why don’t you just write it then?”
And here lies the problem I have with “just”. I would love to just sit and write it. I really really really would. But you see I just...can’t. Why? I have a million excuses. ‘I don’t know how” “Why bother? No one will read it anyways.” “And then what? I don’t know how to publish it after” “I don’t have time”. But really what do they all actually mean? I am scared. I am scared it won’t be any good. I am scared I don’t know how to write something people will read. I am scared to pour my time and feelings into something that will be rejected. I am scared I will fail.
I am scared I will fail. If there is something that my anxiety has wrapped itself around and that drives most of,if not all my decisions, is that little voice inside that tells me: “But you will fail. And if you fail all of these events will chain together and everyone will hate you, everyone will leave you, your life will be ruined and hey maybe, just maybe, for some reason that doesn’t make sense in any way, you might even end up dying. Who knows?” So that is why I can’t "just" ,because guys, I will die. If I try and write this book that I have always dreamed of writing I will die alone, unloved and a worthless useless failure. That is why I can’t just write it.
Is it logical? No. Does it make sense in any way? No. Is it a big deal if I write something and no one reads it? No. Hell, I am sitting here writing this blog aren’t I? Should I just take a chance and write a book? Should I just take a chance and do a lot of things I don’t do? A big resounding Yes. Do I just do things sometimes? Yes I do. But it seems to be those unknown things that I really want and that really mean a lot to me that I can’t seem to make myself do. And that really sucks.
The first time I can remember this having really happened to me was when I really wanted to try out for the soccer team in like 5th or 6th grade. I liked soccer a lot and I knew my Nono would be so happy if I was on the soccer team. But when they asked who wanted to try out for soccer I didn’t do it. Do you know why? I couldn’t shake the fear of: what if I didn’t make the team? What if I told people I was trying out and they got happy but then I didn’t make it? They would be so disappointed, I would fail them. So in the end it was better for everyone if I didn’t try because then I wouldn’t fail them and I wouldn’t be a failure. Basically since then it has always been a part of every big decision I make. Sometimes I win and I try and get good results and sometimes I win and I try and fail but I move on but then sometimes my anxiety wins and I shirk away and hide from it and the book never gets written.
So there it is. That is why I can’t just. Or maybe more accurately why I can yet sometimes, if not most times, I do not. What is the alternative that you could say to me when you see me wanting to do something yet continually sitting and not doing it? Honestly, I do not know. I wish I did because then I would be able to say it to myself and then also this whole post would actually have a point. Maybe it doesn’t need to have a point, maybe I just need to write it and post it and forget about it. Who really knows what we should do or what will happen when we do it. You just have to do it.
This post is written. I didn’t want to write it and it took days but now it is done. Now to just post it….