Hey Anxiety Brain. We need to talk. I have been trying my best to ignore you lately but you are a persistent little devil, aren't you?
I just have to know a few things if you can spare a moment from your usual tasks of making mountains out of molehills and making my thoughts go faster than a runaway freight train.
Why do you have to make everything so difficult? Why does getting up in the morning have to feel like a chore? Why do I need to have my day planned out or else I feel like I am lost and restless? Would it be so hard to let me just have a day where I wake up feeling prepared and excited for the day and to just live in the moment and let the day come as it does and not worry?
Speaking of waking up; how about you let me sleep once and awhile? I would appreciate being able to go to bed at night and not sit there thinking about how much I don’t want to go to bed. And then once I am actually in bed how about you let me fall asleep without having to remind me of all the stupid things I did today or yesterday or 3 years ago? Or make me have to go over the things I have to do tomorrow or the next day or next week over and over? That would be nice. I am tired. I would just like a good night's sleep is all. If I was more rested I might find I have more energy and motivation to get all those things you want me to do. So really, it would be good for both of us in the end.
That’s not to say I don’t get things done with your help. Some days that isn’t a bad thing. Some days I can get so much done it’s kind of crazy and I feel pretty accomplished. Some days though I get just as many things done and feel like I should have done a lot more. Then of course there are the days I get nothing done. I feel real good about myself those days.
Speaking of which; how about you let those positive affirmations and those daily pep talks I give myself through a little more often? Some days I can really convince myself that I am pretty great. Other days though you are just too pushy and no matter what I do you make sure I stay down. I would like to feel excited about good things happening to me and around me without that twinge of doubt and worry always having to come with it. Just once I would like to be able to do even the simplest thing without second, third fourth guessing my decision. I hope that that is not asking too much.
I know I am being hard on you Anxiety Brain. I am just so tired of the hustle. You know, sometimes we are a good team. You push me to try harder, you push me to want more and to keep chasing those things that I want, you don’t let me settle and some days you are the only reason I don’t give up when it gets hard. Some days you are the reason I give up too early but, hey, it can’t be good all the time.
You are the reason I don’t try because I am afraid. You are the reason I keep pushing to find that elusive happy place. You are the reason I look back on every decision wondering if I did the right thing. You are the reason I try and be better. You are the reason I never feel like I am good enough.
In the end Anxiety Brain I think all I want is a break. Just for a little while. I would like to know what it would be like not to have you rattling around in my head for a day. Yes I know, I can go back to taking medications to quiet you a bit. That is always an option I guess. Or I could go find someone to talk to if you wouldn't mind letting me actually talk without watching what I say because I know what the therapy answer to it would be and I don’t necessarily want to hear it. But alas, I am darn determined we can work this out on our own if we can just be reasonable. Silly I know but we will do our best anyways.
Anyways thanks for the talk. Going to hum and haw for a while about whether I should post this to my blog or if people will think I am crazy for talking to myself. Heading to bed soon, see you there.