Big trigger warnings for this one: talks of abuse, mentions of harm and suicide.
I am going to delve into my first romantic relationship as a teen. I don't talk about it a lot and I have pushed it down and repressed it for a long time. But something about the last few years it is just coming back and plaguing my brain at night. Today I was listening to this song and I realized that it is exactly what I would have scream sang in my car as I wished I could say it to him after the faithful day I finally told him to leave me alone and go ruin someone else's life.
I tried to hide it through the silence while I played along
I'm welling up behind my eyelids when I'm holding on
To the rage, so badly, I hate it
And I wish that all of-
Nah, nah, nah, that doesn't feel right
Maybe, uh, speed it up
Yeah, that's nice
I was 16 going on 17 in high school. Every magazine, every show, every media source everywhere was telling me that unless boys were crazy about you and you were in a relationship then you were doing something wrong. You weren't doing all the things Cosmo was telling you to do that would make you irresistible to the opposite sex? What else were you possibly doing with your time? So it is safe to say that my friends and I were trying very hard to get boys to even glance in our directions.
The thing is, we weren't cool. I have mentioned before that I was always "the nice one" People liked me because I was nice. But the magazines and the shows all said being nice wasn't important. Boys. Didn't. Care. If. You. Were. Nice.
So we made friends with any boy who would give us the time of day. We would give them dumb nicknames and giggle about them in class. The boys I crushed on couldn't give less of a care about me unless I was in their group project because they knew I was the nice smart pushover girl that would do all the work and get them an A.
Enter the one we called Curly. He paid attention to us. He was a friend to our little group. There was a few of my friends who liked him the most and their giggling gossip sessions led to whispers that he had a crush on me. Me? Why? I didn't particularly have a crush on him. I didn't even think he was that cute. But he had a crush on me. And the others said that was a good thing and that he was someone worth crushing on. So I guess I am hooked now.
I don't know if someone said something to him or what but soon he was around me all the time. Helping me carry my books, walking with me to class, sitting with me at lunch. I had done it. I had somehow enticed a boy! And not just any boy, but the one my friends told me I should like. I didn't really know if I liked him or was attracted to him in any way or I was just blinded by the fact that he was paying attention to me and was so very nice to me. So very very Nice. Or as we would later start to realize and label: love bombing me.
Yes, this is where the story starts to take a turn. As Benson Boone says: Let's speed it up here
I really hate the way you think that you can get away
By blaming all your stupid problems on your mental state
I'm tired of burnt-out lies, ooh
You think you know me, but you hardly even know yourself
I'd bite my tongue and let you think I only wish you well
I don't, I know you know it, ooh
It started off pretty good. I was the girl with a boyfriend now. That's how he asked me out "I think you should be my girlfriend". So direct and to the point. No, "Do you want to go on a date?". I was automatically his girlfriend. I managed to panic attack anxiously squeak out "Ok" and we were off to the races. Our first date was... not great. But I blamed myself for being too anxious. It would get better, I was his girlfriend after all right?
The next while of being together was all right too. He was nice to me. So very very nice. He would call me every night. He hung out with me and my friends. Was the perfect guy. But I guess eventually the novelty of having a new girl on his arm was wearing off or maybe he was seeing that I wasn't 100% head over heels give up my whole life in love with him so he had to turn the love bombing down and turn the gaslighting and manipulation up to make sure I knew y place.
I was beautiful, but not as beautiful as that girl. He could have her if he wanted but I should feel lucky that he loved me
I really wasn't that smart. People just told me that because they felt bad for me.
Hangs up the phone on me because I don't care about him enough. I didn't call back fast enough, I must not love him as much as he loves me
No you cannot go out with them, if you hang out with them then you are saying you like them better then me. Stay home and wait for me to maybe call you or messenger you online later. You better respond right away.
I am sorry. I am so sorry. It's not my fault I lied to you. It's not my fault I said that to you. It's not my fault I yelled at you in public. I am depressed. I am messed up. It's not my fault. You don't love me enough or I would be better. Don't leave me or I will..
I will skip ahead a bit to when my friends mostly all graduated and went on to post secondary but I stayed an extra year to get a few more credits and to work and save up money for tuition. He went to college. It only got worse.
And I'm tired of letting someone get the best of me, so go ahead and-
Cry, cry
Go ahead and ruin someone else's life
Cry, cry
Go bug somebody else, so I can sleep at night
I was at home with a few friends still hanging back with me while everyone else was off and moving on to their next chapter. Curly included. Him being in another city and not constantly around gave me a sort of twisted perspective. I knew I felt so much happier when he wasn't there. I knew that everything he said to me was wrong and horrible and that I did not want to be with him anymore. But I also knew I was trapped and I couldn't get out.
As soon as I thought I was out because he dumped me again because I wasn't good enough, I didn't try hard enough, I wasn't loving him enough, he would come back with the old lines of: I am sorry, I didn't mean it, I was depressed, I was having a bad day, you are my angel, you are the reason I am still alive, if you leave me I will die, I even have a plan. If you leave me I will do it and it will be all your fault. I knew I wanted out but I was scared, What would it mean if I left? What if he was right and I was not good enough and it really was all my fault? I wanted out but I was trapped.
I would go out with my friends knowing full well that if he found out that I wasn't sitting at home waiting for him that I would get an earful about it later. When he did bother to come back to visit me I wasn't allowed to see anyone else. Only him. When I went to see him at his school he introduced me to a girl that was "prettier then me and liked him so if I didn't want him to cheat with her I better be careful". He would tell me he was coming home and then he just wouldn't show up. Wouldn't answer the phone. Wouldn't be online. I would sit paralyzed in my room telling people I was busy and I couldn't talk on the phone right now and I couldn't go out just in case he showed up. It was never his fault if he didn't show. He was sorry, but it was never his fault. Nothing ever was.
Then I went to university and the end was coming. And I think he knew it.
Mmm, you're more narcissistic than anybody in Hollywood
You're not a misfit, don't keep sayin' you're misunderstood
I'm tired, oh, I'm so tired, ooh
And maybe you're the honest type
And it's been me the whole damn time
I should really try to calm my mind and see things from your side
I was accepted to 3 universities. One further away and two within driving distance. I was told that under no circumstances was I allowed to go to the far away one. It gave me by far the best scholarship and was a good program but, no. It was too far away.
So I picked one of the closer ones. Not the one he wanted me to pick, which he didn't like, but one of the closer ones. (Honestly it was the one I wanted the most anyways)
That summer before I was to move into residence he was trying everything he could to make sure I was so entrenched in our relationship that I wouldn't pull away when I moved away and started to meet new people. Gaslighting and manipulation expertly mixed with just the right amount of love bombing. Convincing me to be physical when I didn't want to be. Putting me in situations that I didn't want to be in. Making sure I knew that no matter what, he had control of me.
I was his angel. I was his reason to live. If I left him he would die.
I am not that pretty. I am not that special. I am lucky he has stayed with me this long.
I am the best thing in the world. He wakes up every morning so happy knowing he is with me.
You don't care about me. You don't love me. I would die for you but you don't even care.
Or, maybe you can
Cry, cry
Go ahead and ruin someone else's life
Cry, cry
Go bug somebody else, so I can sleep at night
Cry, cry
Go ahead and ruin someone else's life
I moved into residence and to my utter shock people liked me. People wanted to be my friend. A lot of people. Another boy liked me and asked me out (he was a toxic mess too but we won't get into that dumpster fire today). I had a life and he had no part in it.
It. Was. Amazing.
Was I out of it yet? No. He still texted and called and messaged me constantly and expected me to be at his beck and call. But every time I went and ate waffles at 11pm with my friends I found I cared less about the angry barrage of messages it would mean I would get later.
The final straw for me was when he said he wanted to come visit me at school and I agreed because I wanted him to see just how liked I was. Maybe in my warped brain I thought if he saw all my new friends then he would be forced to realize how wrong he was about me? I can't say how my brain worked back then.
Let's say he was supposed to arrive at 2pm. I told him that earlier in the day there was going to be the big first football game of the season and that I was going to go with my friend because her boyfriend was on the team. But not to worry, I would be back with time to spare to meet him at the bus stop. He told me that there was no way in hell I should go to the game because... who knows what reason. I went to the game anyways, but left early and sat at the bus stop for over an hour waiting for him. For his part he spent his whole bus ride texting me about the cute girl he was sitting with on the bus. He showed up and told me my bandanna that I was wearing from the football game looked stupid and asked me if I had gone to the game. I said yes but I left early. He was pissed of course. We went back to my room and he locked the door. We didn't leave for the full day. My friends came and knocked on my door because they knew he was coming and wanted to meet him. He wouldn't let me answer. At one point he held me on my bed so I wouldn't go to the door. We snuck out and got something to eat and then he said he wouldn't stay any longer and got the bus home. I was shocked. But also I was mad. This was apparently too far.
When I went back to my room a friend of mine came and found me. I finally told someone about how bad it was and what had been happening and why I hadn't come to the door. Telling someone for the first time broke something. The spell, the trap, the delusion. Whatever we call it, it broke. I couldn't convince myself anymore that this was ok. That it was all my fault. That he was right.
He called me the next day and was going on and on with his usual spiel but I wasn't doing my usual placations so he ramped it up. At one point he said something I didn't hear so I said "what did you say?" and he told me to Fu-- off. Of all the things he had said and done he had never sworn at me. I hung up the phone and told him not to call me anymore and walked back to my room and stood in numb state as a bunch of people on my floor stood around me as I told them what had happened and they kept telling me not to pick up the phone or to look at his texts. I didn't know what to do. I realized I was standing there and I didn't know who I was now but I was finally going to have a chance to figure it out. It was October of my first year of university and I was 19 years old.
Cry, cry
And I'm tired of letting someone get the best of me, so go ahead and-
Cry, cry
Go ahead and ruin someone else's-
I wish that was the end but of course you can never escape the fall out.
Constant messages about how he loved me and he was sorry coupled with messages about how many people he was hooking up with and how free he was now without me but that no matter who he was with (boy or girl) he was always thinking about me.
He showed up at my dad's work asking for my dad and cussed out the lady who told him that my dad wasn't there.
He spread rumours about me.
He slept with one of my friends and then told me he only did it because he was hoping it would get my attention.
I found out he had cheated on me multiple times including with the pretty girl he had introduced me to at school. And that he was actively cheating on me with her when he introduced me to her.
He begged, he groveled. He tried to get other people to convince me.
I went to his house and dropped off his stuff with is parents and they said they were sorry it didn't work out and I had to fight the urge to say that I wasn't sorry at all.
I don't know what made the messages stop. I can't remember what the last communication was. I blocked his number and his msn messenger (Yes I am that old) and at some point he stopped emailing. And it was done. I was messed up and broken and bruised but I had done it. I had heard from him from the last time.
These days I lay awake at night thinking about how stupid I was. Why did I stay for so long? Why did I let that happen to me? What was wrong with me? And then I try and convince myself that it wasn't my fault.
I think about the fall out and what it cost in terms of old friends. I think about who I was after it all and my toxic rebound and how much I hate who I was then. I think about how at the time I processed it all by not really processing it at all.
To this day I have nightmares of running into him when I am out. My dreams often happen in the halls of my high school trying to find my young self and telling her to say no. I have nightmares of my kids having this happen to them and me not being to stop it.
But what I wish more than anything is that after the first fight, the first verbal abuse, the first time he made me feel so worthless that I had told him he could go and and cry and ruin someone else's life.
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