So it’s been a long time! Here I was thinking I could keep this whole thing up after the baby. Nope! And then I went back to work. Double Nope! Yes I even say nope now. I am such a mom.
Anyways, so yes I am no longer a “on mat leave mom” I am now a “working mom”. Only part time but still. Working is working. And guys I can’t lie anymore; it’s hard. Some days just a little bit and other days it’s like “all I want to do is roll up in a ball and cry” hard but I can’t because I have to take care of a one year old AND get ready for work. How do you other people do it? How do you do it when you have to work 9 hour days 5 days a week? How do you do it when you have more than one child? I bow down to all of you, while tipping my hat and saying “hooooooow? Are you a superhuman?”
Anyways, I digress. This is harder than I thought it would be. The job I used to have was only during the school year so I was going to be off for longer than a year but then I decided to get a new job. That decision came after many sleepless nights (the baby was sleeping through. That’s how you know you have a problem. Baby is sleeping but you are not? Red flag). and having panic attacks whenever I thought about going back to work. I wasn’t sure if it was the job or the going back to work at all part that was getting to me but eventually I decided it was time for a change. So I applied for a new job, got it and then started a week after little peach turned 1. Surprise! So that was a bit of a whirlwind, but hey, I got this.
I do! I got it. Most of the time. I had read about it, and I had heard about it but I didn’t understand it. Guys, I am talking about the guilt. The guilt I feel every time I drop her off in the morning (she is staying with my family during the day for goodness sake). The guilt I feel every time I look at my phone and see that little cute face looking back at me and realize I have been too distracted for the last hour to think about my baby. I feel guilty when I look back and my little angel is asleep in the backseat on the drive home and then stays asleep until almost dinner time and I feel like I haven’t seen my perfect little baby all day. I feel guilty when I realize I like my job. (What is that about?) I feel guilty when I realize I am actually enjoying getting to use my brain for something other than memorizing The Wiggles lyrics. I feel guilty when I find I like talking to adults sometimes better than talking baby talk all day. (But guys, my goodness I have a talkative kid and it is so cute and I love it). But you know what gets me the worst? When I am sitting at work and thinking “man I just want to go home and take a break and do nothing. Oh but I can’t because I have a baby.” I haven’t seen my baby all day, and I won’t see my baby for most of the night and I all I can think about is how much I need time to myself? Am I some kind of monster who doesn’t love their child?
The answer is no (right?). The fact is that working and being a mom is hard. Heck, being a mom is hard, working outside the home or not. If you are working you feel bad for working and wanting a break after a hard day. If you are a stay at home mom you feel guilty for wanting a break after spending all day with your kids when you are supposed to love spending time with your kids. Guilt. Always the guilt. I thought being a mom meant that we were the ones that were supposed to be making other people feel guilty! Is this why we do it? We make our kids feel guilty because they make us feel it all the time just by existing?
But why do we feel guilty? Is it so wrong to take a break or, more likely, to want a break but not get one after a long day? Do dads feel guilty for coming home and taking a break? (Husband do you?). I Why do we have to feel bad about wanting to take care of ourselves? I have no answers unfortunately. I am just sitting here looking at the monitor of my little sleeping baby and wanting to go in and bury myself in baby snuggles. I have no answers, just guilt. Oh and chocolate. That will make it a little better.