“I’m fine” “it’s ok”. Is it? At a time like this how often are we actually fine? How often are we actually ok? When you are anxious on a regular non world exploding day how do you possibly feel fine when your every day is just a mess of “what now?” “what next?” “how am I supposed to do this?’
Anxiety during a pandemic is when you have worked so hard for so long to feel like you can manage your normal day but now suddenly you are constantly being told there is going to be a “new normal” and you have to get used to it. But then the new normal all seems to change every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. And on top of that one person says this is what the normal is and then ten seconds later someone stands up and takes the microphone and says no this is what the new normal is and then some doctor says that’s all bull and none of it is true and this is what the new normal actually is and it goes around and around until we feel like we want to roll up in a ball and cry. Which is what I do. A lot.
I am lost. I feel helpless. I feel hopeless. They say “don’t let quarantine fatigue get to you” but what they are actually saying is “don’t let the fact that you have been stripped of any semblance of hope that the world isn’t going crazy and that at any moment you will be charged with a fine because you walked out your front door even though your politician said you could. get to you. And don’t let the fact that you can’t see your family and your kid is asking you every day when they can see their friends again get to you. And don't let the feeling that every day you are spiraling into a depression get to you.” Do a puzzle! Make yet another zoom call! Make bread (with ingredients you can’t find at the grocery store)! Take a walk- but don’t because then you are killing your neighbours. Go to a park- but don’t because then you will get fined and then if you are there you're making it so no one else can go there so you are a bad person. It’s ok to not be ok-but don’t feel sad and don’t feel angry and just listen to what the people on tv are telling you even though they will change their mind the next time they stand at the microphone.
So how does having anxiety on a regular day factor into all of this? It means my usual coping methods are not working as well as they used to anymore and I feel like I don’t know what to do about that. It means that when I used to walk around being worried I was about to be attacked by some strange man, now I walk around wondering if someone is going to scream at me because I am not wearing a mask while I walk around my house for the 10000th time with my daughter. Now instead of worrying about things like how I am a failure in my career and that I am a bad mom I get to worry that I might be carrying a deadly virus in me without knowing it and that I might kill my family. Not that any of those old fears have gone away; in fact they have been exponentially magnified on top of the new ones. Fun right?
So what? I sit here and be in a pit of darkness most of the time but how do I carry on with life? Some days are harder than others. With anxiety disorders the feelings and the “symptoms” (for lack of a better word) come in peaks and valleys. Some days I feel so afraid that it’s hard to think or to concentrate and I don’t want to go to bed because we survived today but what if we don’t survive tomorrow. Other days I can take a breath as I pack a mask just in case and hand sanitizer because I know there aren’t any bathrooms open and I take her to the park and feel comforted to see other people around while we keep our distance. I have been watching a lot of tv and buying a lot of things online. Not the healthiest but what works, works these days. I say things like “what works, works” and “just get through the day” because sometimes that is all I can say. I tell myself over and over that it's ok that she has watched tv for the most of the day because I am supposed to actually be earning my paycheck and there is nothing else that has amused her for more than ten seconds today. (Did I mention I am supposed to be working at home 4 days a week while also parenting? Ya… that is a whole other can of anxious worms.) I write blog posts that no one will ever read so that I can get the thoughts out of my head. We go on a lot of walks because as far as I know those are ok? I tell myself I am not allowed to go on Facebook or read any news today because the darkness is creeping in and if I keep pushing scrolling that news feed, it might just take me over. And mostly, I breathe because if nothing else I know I am still alive if I am still breathing.
We will get through this. When and how, I don't think anyone knows. But even the Black Plague ended eventually right? And we are still here to read about it in our history books.