So it is week 36. That's only 4 weeks left. One month. Holy crap. There is a bassinet beside my bed, a car seat in my car, a swing and bouncy chair in my living room. It hurts to bend over to spit out my tooth paste when I brush my teeth. My feet look like they belong to an elephant. I vacuum and run the dishwasher and then feel like I desperately need a nap. It's real. It has been “ real” for months now but, seriously, now I am telling you it is real real. An article that came up on my app the other day was called “what have I gotten myself into” and it talked about how around this time you get struck with this feeling of basically “what have I done?” And “there really is no turning back now”. I think at every milestone you get that feeling of “holy crap this is actually happening” but you just keep doing (telling yourself you should be doing) your kegels and taking your vitamin and buying cute outfits and looking at those boxes of things that you will have to put together “soon”. Then suddenly soon is now and the stuff is built and you had to rearrange your whole room to fit it and the hospital bag is packed and ever sitting there at the front door waiting to be grabbed on the way out. Every time you get up to pee in the middle of the night and bump into the bassinet on the way you think “oh my god what have I gotten myself into” and every time you try and make it to the bathroom but you just don't quite make it and you get a little damp feeling in your underwear you think “what have I done to myself”. Then, oh then, you go to the midwife and they give you a hand out about how to do something called a perineal massage (if you are not pregnant don't google it) so that you don't tear and have to get stitches in your… area and you have to think very seriously about getting an epidural and IVs and… pushing something 6+ pounds out and then you think “ohmygodidontknowwhatiwasthinkingandidontknowificandothis” (you have it all squashed together because your brain is always in hyper drive. Always). Truth is I look at that bassinet beside my bed and think of this extremely fragile little thing sleeping in it and I think about all the million questions that I have and that I don't really know the answers to and it freaks me out a little. I feel like I have a relatively decent idea of how to take care of a kid. But a baby? What do they wear? How do I get it to sleep? What happens if it has colic? When do I sleep? When do I shower? What happens if I have adult version of colic? It's a lot to think about that you never realized you would one day need to think about. Suddenly I don't want to move purely because I want a new house. Now I am thinking about where will she play? What if she wants to have a birthday party? Our backyard is so small. And the schools. Do I really want her to have to go to that school? It's real. It's happening. And it's scary. In one month I am going to be a mom. Like I am a “mom” now but like I will be a holding a baby mom. A mom mom. Guys, I don't know if you knew this already or not but I have never been a mom before! I know! Can you imagine? And in a month I am going to be one! What?! This anxiety filled ball of crazy is going to be some little girl’s mom. Is it ok that I am just short of terrified? Is it ok that with the 4 week countdown starting I am still thinking “can I do this?” “Was this a good idea?” “What have I gotten myself into?” I have read so many articles and posts and have had people tell me that this is all ok and that of course I am thinking this way. My life is about to change in so many ways that I can't even imagine. How else are you supposed to feel about it? Doesn't make feeling it any less scary but at least I know I am not alone. Does this post actually have any flow to it? I started it off with an idea and with good intentions and it kind of became a word vomit. Sorry about that but welcome to the anxiety filled brain that is also hopped up on hormones and baby brain-ing. (I just found a bag of cookies in the fridge.) At the very least it helped me to write it down and to share it with you. I hope maybe some day someone will read this and think “I know exactly what she means”. That would be nice wouldn't it? Anyways now I am rambling about why I was rambling. Thank you for continuing to support me and reading about the craziness that is me. It is only going to get worse from here, trust me.
