You think that I want to run and hide That I keep it all locked up inside but I just want you to find me
-James Morrison Undiscovered
This is a line from a song I used to listen to a lot and listened to again today. Something about this line spoke to me. I am feeling like I am in a bit of a funk. It happens sometimes. Usually when I feel like things aren’t going my way, I am waiting for something (dreading something) or you know sometimes I don't even know why. Chalk it up to anxiety, being a girl or just being human. The funk seems to reach its high point at night when I am lying awake and supposed to be sleeping. As the husband sleeps soundly I stare at the ceiling willing myself to sleep and not to cry because what is bothering me isn't worth this feeling or maybe because I don't even know why I am so sad so why cry about it? You can't cry about something that you don't even know why you are crying. So on that depressing note I will get back to the song lyric.
This lyric used to always stand out to me most among many others in this particular song because it says what I want to say and how I feel when I get into these funks. When I get this way I do lock it up inside. I don't want to burden other people with these things that seem so silly, with another one of my worries when I already unload so many on the people I feel close to. But in the end I do just want to be found. I want someone to lift my chin and look me in the eye and say “I see you and I understand you”.
Being someone with anxiety I think being understood is the only thing we all crave. Our anxieties are irrational, they make no sense and we know it. People constantly try to help by saying “don't worry”. But telling someone not to worry when they can't make themselves stop is telling them to lock it up, stop talking about it and to just run away from it. I can only say for myself but that is what I try and do as I am staring at the ceiling and it doesn't work and it doesn't help. To tell someone that you understand and to look at them and to say I can see that you are worrying and i am here for you and I will listen as long as you need is so much more helpful and can do so much good for someone. To say to to someone to stop running and hiding because I have found you and I am here for you.
I am lucky to have a handful of people in my life who will do this for me and I am so grateful to them. It is hard to reach out. It is hard to ask for help when you feel like you have asked to much already or that if you tell them what it is that is worrying you that they will think it is stupid. Or if you tell them that you feel like you are going out of your mind and you don't even know why that they will say those words that you just don't want to hear “ just don't worry about it”.
I think being an autism sibling only compounded this problem sometimes. I would be feeling in a funk and I didn't think I was allowed to be. I have so much that they don't have so what am I so down about? I can speak, I can go to school, I can have friends if I want to, I can go to university and have a job. Those things are so limited to them and the opportunities are not given to them like they are given to me. And here I am worrying about school tomorrow or something a friend said or what job I am going to have. I Should be grateful for all those things. I should be happy that these are things that I am worrying about and that I have so much that they don't get to have. And the burden. Oh dear the burden. When there is already so much put on your family you don't want to add to it. I didn't want to add more stress, more worry onto my family when they already had so much to deal with. I am not going to pretend I never let my worries be known because I sure did. I was an angsty teenager too, believe me there was a lot of angst, and don't forget the anxiety stomach aches of course. But I would try and keep things bottled up the best I could and to “get over it” (another favourite saying we anxiety balls get a lot) before I would talk to someone about it or I would try for too long and end up lashing out and exploding on the people around me when they would try to help.
So what is the point of this post? I am not sure other than that I decided to write this tonight instead of staring at the ceiling again. Maybe someone will read this and say “hey I feel that way too” or maybe someone will read this and say say “I know someone who feels this way. I am going to do something different to help them “. Or maybe you will just read it and not be surprised because you know me well and you’ve known all of this all along but crazy old me Either way I just want you to know that we all feel down and we all get into funks sometimes and it sucks but it's ok. I will sit with you and stare at the ceiling with you until it passes. I see you and I understand. This world kind of sucks sometimes but the sun will shine again and so will you.
I am going to leave off with the next line of the chorus.
I'm not lost; not lost, just undiscovered And when we're alone we are all the same as each other
Thank you for reading and I promise I will try my darnedest to switch the narrative to a more “Don’t worry, be happy” type of place.
Eh maybe tomorrow.
Video for full song here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1-HLztNQWw