I started writing this post a while ago. I got to the end of the first paragraph and then stopped. This is what I had written before stopping:
“I feel anxious. I am feeling worried. I feel like I want to curl up in a little ball and just get smaller and smaller until I disappear. I feel like I am in a deep dark hole and I can’t seem to get out. I just want to quit, I can’t take this anymore.
Seems pretty bleak and awful when it is spelled out like that but these are things I have said and that I feel quite regularly. This is anxiety. I have my good days and I have my bad days of course but anxiety is something that is always present and a part of my being. It wasn’t until recently that I have actually gone to a professional to start dealing with these feelings and to give it a name. I have been told that what I have would be classified as a Generalized Anxiety Disorder which means that I don’t have any specific situations or experiences that cause anxiety but that I feel anxious in… well a general manner. There are of course situations that cause me more anxiety than others like going into unknown situations, some public speaking, or when I start to feel out of control. “
I got to this point and then realized I couldn't think of what else to say. I don't talk about my anxiety a lot. I don't reveal those feeling very often. I can say that's how I feel to the people around me or to myself but sometimes it feels almost like I am joking. Like I am making fun of myself in a way. Like it is such a bad feeling that it is satire and couldn't possibly actually be true. But it's not a joke. I hate it. I hate that sometimes I feel this way and honestly it scares the heck out of me to reveal that this is how I feel to whomever ends up reading this. But I started this blog to share how I feel so I am just going to do it!
As the title suggests I do feel anxious a lot of the time. Sometimes it's just a little bit of a flutter in my stomach and sometimes it is nausea and shaky hands and headaches. If you know me I have a sore stomach more often than I don't. When I was younger my doctor told my mom that my stomach aches were caused by my anxiety. My doctor recently told me pretty much the same thing so… That's great. Destined to have a sore stomach for the rest of my life which is lovely. Other than that, when I start to get anxious my hands and legs get very shaky, my voice too and I start to speak fast and stumble over my words. My face likes to get nice and red and I feel warm all over. After a bit I get a good ol' pounding headache. When it escalates further I get this weird feeling like I am out of myself. Like I am out of my body. A weird feeling that's hard to describe so you will just have to believe me on that one. My brain starts to feel foggy and it gets harder to concentrate as my heart starts to race and my breath quickens. That my friends is called an anxiety attack. Thankfully, I don't have a lot of what I would consider “full blown” anxiety attacks. I do have the smaller types with the shaky hands and warm face more frequently than I would like. Things like driving (not my favourite activity), taking tests, talking to strangers and some new experiences can make these come on to name a few. Sometimes I am sitting on my couch binge watching Netflix and one comes on so I can't really pinpoint a reason why. Oh and embarrassing myself. When you have already done something embarrassing, shaking all over and getting ridiculously warm and red is just what you want to happen isn't it?
So when all that is happening what exactly do I do about these feelings? Well in the moment I breathe. Sounds simple but it actually helps a lot. Breathing slow, in and out, helps to make sure the anxiety doesn't grow. It also gives me something to focus on instead of the spiraling thoughts in my head. The thoughts are what really makes anxiety so hard to deal with. It is hard not to let them take over and to start to believe them. I think I will tackle that aspect another time because that little voice could be a whole blog post in itself.
Another thing I do is, if possible, I remove myself from the situation or from the vicinity. Sometimes wherever I am is just too loud and crowded and I can't seem to centre myself. Sometimes I just need to get away from the person or thing… usually person... who is the cause of the initial problem. Or maybe I just don't know if hugging myself tightly and breathing is going to make people look at me strangely which definitely wouldn't help.
That's another thing I do. I cross my arms across my stomach tightly. I find that when I am feeling anxious the smaller and tighter I get the better I feel. So when you see me standing with my arms crossed or sitting like a ball in my chair I am not being closed off or something I am just being the ball of anxiety that is me. If I am on my bed curled up like an armadillo with my head tucked in you know I am in a pretty interesting place. If you aren't going to sit beside me quietly and maybe rub my back you are best to back away slowly.
Lastly I do try my best to talk about it. I talk to my husband A LOT. He does his best to listen and understand even when I am making no sense (Thank you love). I talk to my mom because she knows how it feels. I try talking to my friends when I can but its hard to do it and not feel like a burden on them and have them pull away. When I don't think anyone wants to hear about it anymore, if I am tired of talking about it or if it's late at night and I can't sleep, I write. I have two journals by my bed. One I write in and the other as a back up for if I decide what I want to do with it. Of course I obviously also write here now that I have started this blog. I write the post in Google Drive first, edit the heck out of it and agonize about whether or not to post it and then eventually make myself do it. (Posted this without editing it too much so I wouldn't chicken out and not post it.)
Well I feel like this was a pretty decent start to the revealing of my crazy. Have I scared you off yet? I hope not. I will delve more into some aspects of my anxiety another time but I think this is a good amount for me (and you) right now. I shall leave you with; life’s a little crazy so we might as well just embrace it!